Our dream surrogate
At our recent meeting, our agency asked us about our dream surrogate. Medical screening is a given, so we were able to talk through other important considerations. Our agency asked us some key questions. To learn more about where we are on in surrogacy process generally, check out last week’s article:
Where would our surrogate be located? The agency is national, so their surrogates live across the U.S. Matt and I are used to traveling to see family and friends, so we are happy to be flexible on our surrogate’s location. We’ll travel to wherever she is for the birth. That part is very similar to parents who adopt a child at birth.
What would communication with her look like during the pregnancy and afterward? We want to be as actively involved as possible, but attending every prenatal appointment might not be realistic. We would like to join her for milestones like the 20 week anatomy scan. Frequent text and facetime updates will also be appreciated. Once the baby arrives we hope to remain on warm terms. I’d love a relationship in which we can update our surrogate on the baby’s milestones without expecting the former surrogate to take an active role in the baby’s life. All of this will also depend on her location!
How closely do we want her values to align with ours? This ended up being our most important criteria. I need our surrogate to feel comfortable with the fact that I work in abortion and gender affirming health care. Given that our current administration is undermining preventative healthcare, especially for newborns and pregnant people, I want my surrogate to feel comfortable with vaccines both for herself and our baby. If it’s medically indicated, I want her to feel comfortable taking Tylenol. Thank goodness these are conversations that we’ll be able to have prior to matching! By choosing a surrogate, we are choosing someone with whom we will share a connection for the rest of our lives. Beyond these politically charged issues, we also need someone with whom we can have open and honest conversations. For that reason, finding a surrogate whose values align with ours ended up being our top priority.
Would we like her to provide breast milk postpartum? Yes, and... As a midwife, I understand the value of breast milk. However, I also understand that babies can thrive on formula if that’s not in the cards for us. This for us is a “nice to have,” but not critical. Donor milk banks are also an option for breast milk if our surrogate is not able or willing to assist with this. There are medical protocols that would allow me to use medications and breast stimulation to induce lactation myself. That rarely results in a large enough milk supply to completely meet a baby’s nutritional needs. Our plan for feeding our baby is flexible and will continue to evolve once the baby is here!
Does it matter to us whether or not she has previous experience as a surrogate? No. Since our surrogate will already have a track record of healthy pregnancies, we’re not so concerned about her experience specifically as a surrogate.
What would you look for in the person who was going to carry you’re child?